The Entertainer

I had just returned from the gym coated with sweat and perspiration, feeling like Arnold Schwarzenegger after just one day of weight lifting. (of course, I had to spell it right considering the number of years his movies took from me). I made a conscious effort to spread my flat chest so people could notice what I’ve been through in the hands of the gym instructors. Dem plan me com from house abeg. Only a cold bath could ease my pain and restore my confidence, so I rushed to the bathroom immediately I got home. 

I was halfway through my bath when my phone started ringing. Since I couldn’t pick up at that moment, I just danced to the ringtone, following the melody as I wriggled under the shower. The phone rang again and this time I stopped dancing, cleaned my face and stepped out of the bathroom almost slipping. By the time I got to my phone the call had ended. An unknown number. My mind ran riot immediately. It could have been a prospective client’s call.

That line of thought is the go-to especially when local man is broke or needs cash to gate a bill. I went back to my shower but couldn’t wriggle anymore. I just stood like a mast with no network. I finished and stepped out in a towel and was busy contemplating what outfit to pepper dem with that afternoon coz that’s how star do. Never o, never to be caught unfresh… One of my daily battles is separating vanity from great dress sense or as the street would say, “packaging”. 

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My friends often tease me that I could suit up just to go use the loo in my own house.

I took a flight with imagination air; showcasing different images of me in different outfits but before I could decide what to wear the flight crashed as my phone rang again and guess what? It was the same number. I picked up with my heartbeat sounding louder than my voice in high hopes that it had to be a client. Poor me, I had planned to return the call but got carried away by my vanity fair.

Let’s just forget about the call. I’m still angry and my anger can successfully cook party Jollof. Can you believe that this caller was a guy we met at an event? And when I say we met; he was the one who came on to me o. He came hailing me like “Boss! Baddest!! Na you baba. You finish work. Gbogbo ara kiki punchline (meaning I’m all made up of punchlines from head to toe). All the while, I was just bowing and forming humble. I am humble I think, I guess, whatever.

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Next thing this dude said was “gimme your contact na” I fit hook you up with my guys for events. Since he looked the part though he didn’t sound like it, I obliged. I mean, in this line of work, anybody can be your connection. As much as I am approachable, I couldn’t help but feel some resentment for this particular guy after the call. I kid you not guys, his approach alone is the worst I’ve seen from a beggar. To make matters worse, his name is Julius. Me that I’m not well kankan I just saved his contact as Julius beggar and blocked him.

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Before you judge me, let me narrate my ordeal with this guy to you. I picked the call then the guy was like “Hello! Doctor! How far? Na your guy Julius” Which Julius, please? Next thing I hear is Shey you wan dey whine me ni (are you kidding me?) Abi you wan dey form celeb? (or are you forming celebrity?) Wetin dey worry you? (What’s worrying you?) Julius wey hail you for Eko hotel for Jaycode album launch. For peace sake, I shouted OK! I remember now. How are you Bro? The guy goes… You just comot that day, you no roger boys, I come say make I call you (you left without dropping something for the boys so I decided to call you). Check your phone, I don send my account details, even if na 10k, I go manage am (Check your phone, I have sent my account details, even if its 10k, I will manage it). Wait a second! Who does this guy think I am? Weldone sir, General Manager, Julius Beggar Nigeria LTD. Just because I’m an entertainer and you hailed me means I’m owing you Ten thousand Nigerian naira? Just like that? If that’s how lucrative this hailing business is, I need to start hailing people too. 

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I think I need to clear the air so that this Julius beggar and Co can let me be and also serve as an example to potential ones.

I’m just an employee of the people, sometimes brands, sometimes individuals. Either way, I work hard to earn an honest living and I have bills to pay as a responsible man. The fact that I give tips or alms doesn’t mean I’m always buoyant. We are in this country together. The UN does not send me special aids and grants. Let’s be guided, please. Nobody can turn me to Maga just because I wear fancy suits and outfits. They’re all costumes o Biko. I still need help. Don’t let my coat of many colors make you think I’ve become a prime minister in Egypt. 

I don’t even feel like going out again. All the swag I was gathering, my imaginary muscles have melted away in anger. This Julius beggar just succeeded in ruining my afternoon. If I catch him anywhere in this Lagos, he will… Excuse me guys, my phone is ringing and it’s an unknown caller again. I hope this time, it’s a business call that will end with credit alert. After all, getting these costumes that are confusing people comes with huge debit alerts. 

Just pray the call makes up for the previous one if not, you guys won’t hear from me in a long time. This number looks like a Jackpot. Hello… Good afternoon. Yes please, Doctor Frick speaking. 

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